The State of Florida Makes ‘Self Rape’ Illegal

The state of Florida made a controversial ruling on Friday which makes ‘Self Rape’, a.k.a. masturbation, illegal. The 29-2 vote will now leave men vulnerable to prosecution if they are caught victimizing themselves. Stores like Walmart, Target and other local product distributors will be made to lock up products such as KY, lotion and anything else which can “make self rape tempting.” Legislators say if this law is not taken seriously, they may also have to monitor products such as Crisco, and other cooking oils. They are hoping they do not have to discontinue the sale of watermelons or cantaloupes but will do so if they are forced to implement this law on the level.

 “We are ready to make America great again, and that means reviving the moral fiber this country was made on,” said assemblyman Richard Maury. “If you feel like you need to ‘self rape,’ well, that issue need to take up with your wife. Or a marriage counselor for that matter.”

The new law will go into effect January 1, 2017. It can be punishable with up to one year in county jail.