A 27-year-old man managed to get his fidget spinner irretrievably lodged in his anal cavity, forcing him to scream ‘medic’.
“I just heard this god-almighty scream coming from his house, so we rushed over and banged on the door,” said the man’s neighbor, a 52-year-old who’s too old for this shit. “He let us in and was clutching his behind. I asked him: ‘what’s wrong?’ and he just choked out that he needed an ambulance.”
The act of ‘choking out’ an ambulance request suggests catastrophic levels of pain, and unsurprisingly so: medical staff later found the not-at-all suppository-shaped fidget spinner lodged so tightly in the anal cavity that they had to operate to remove it.
“We tried a number of lubrication methods but in the end we were forced to make an incision to remove the device,” said one of the surgeons involved.
A relative of the poor man confirmed that the man was basically using the toy to pleasure himself – successfully at first – but flew too close to the sun when he tried to insert it deeper into his anus. Hospital staff suspect he must have slipped and pushed it beyond the point of no return.
Medical experts are urging people to err on the side of caution when using their fidget spinners, and to not use them for unintended purposes. Of course, they didn’t specifically say “Don’t put them in your butt”, so if that’s not quite black-and-white enough for you then let this story be a warning.